Monday, 10 September 2012

Laryngomalacia Update

Well over a year has passed and I realised that people are still looking at my blog especially the post about Laryngolamalacia/ Floppy Larynx

Well I am pleased to say that Tillie will be 3 in October and things are almost completely fine! The Croup that she was prone to seems to have calmed right down. She had 3 bouts of it in 5 weeks last year and the doctor turned around to me and told me that I knew more about how to treat it than he did as I had had so much experience with her getting it so often.

Tillie does have an inhaler now but we do not have to use it regularly thank goodness as that is such a challenge and i find not very pleasant trying to put a mask up to her face using that spacer! Very scary for a little one to accept.

I noticed earlier when she was asleep with her head tipped backwards in the car that you can still hear a little noise when she sleeps which isn't snoring it is much quieter, the only problem we do have with Tillie is dribbling and choking! She seems to do this all the time. She cannot eat very well with her mouth closed she tries really hard but her tops are still soaked from dribble when she tries to eat.

She is very determined and talks all of the time and people say she is very old fashioned in her ways and old for her age (very bossy too but hilarious) but I do notice that when she throws a typical two year old tantrum that she really struggles to breathe when she cries, she isn't holding her breathe like some two years olds do, she just cannot catch it and gasps for air which really scares me and  which is why I have put off her going to playschool or nursery for so long but the time has come that she starts this Thursday!

Monday, 25 April 2011

Cuppa tea?

I really should be doing accounts but I am easily distracted!

I never started drinking tea until about 4 years ago when I met my partner who was a painter and decorator at the time and drank tea and coffee all day long. I was 21 at the time and always drank lemonade or water - I chose not to drink tea and I detested coffee. I was young and in love and trained myself to like it!

Now previous to meeting my decorator in dirty overalls (not quite the knight in shining armour is it but i wouldn't change him for the world) I had worked in a number of places where I was 'tea girl'.

I always thought that you chucked a tea bag in a cup poured water in added a bit of milk and sugar and that was all there was to it....oh how wrong was i. I didn't know there was a certain technique to it until I met Nick who informed me that I made a rubbish cuppa and it has only taken me 4 years to perfect it!

I had been making tea for other people since I was about 16. I started at the Theatre where I worked backstage as a wardrobe assistant, I have made plenty of cuppa's for Su Pollard, Alvin Stardust, Liza Goddard, (erm.... trying to think of some more people to name drop..hmmmm I give up you probably wouldn't have heard of them anyway!) They always drank them politely.

I then worked for the local BBC radio station as a Saturday helper/trainee assistant it was one of my roles to make the tea for any guests we had on the show that day. Most of the guests on the show were performing at the theatre where I worked so they probably cringed when i asked 'would you like a cup of tea?' as they had already experienced it at the theatre.

I am a redhead and blush really easily, especially when I have done something wrong. I remember one day the presenter told the listeners a story about 'tea' and I wasn't really paying too much attention until I over heard that it was illegal to make a cup of tea without using a tea pot, now being the naive and extremely gullible 17 year old that I was I sank in my chair and went bright red. He asked me what was wrong during a song break, I explained that I was really sorry and that I have never used a tea pot in my life so he had been drinking illegal tea this worried me even more the fact he was a policeman. I had seen one in the radio station kitchen and the theatre kitchen but had always boiled the kettle and made it that way. He played along with this and announced to the listeners that I had a confession and he knew I was really worried and still bright red! I don't know who I even thought was going to tell me off ....the tea police? He was crying with laughter and I got many telephone calls and cards from listeners who thought that it was hilarious.

Anyway back to tea and coffee - I was making a cup of tea for Nick the other day and he told me where I was going wrong. I was putting his sugar in after I had put the water in, once he told me to put the sugar in before the water he seems to think I make a perfect cup of tea! He's happy and I am happy as it has only just recently clicked that I only like my tea when I let the tea bag sit in the cup for a few minutes then put the milk in, instead of whipping it our straight away! I found this out completely by accident, I get distracted by Miss Tillie all of the time when I am trying to make a drink and often end up leaving the tea bag in for a long period of time before taking it out and adding the milk, you know when it has that weird layer on the top, but I guess that is how I like it (preferably without the layer!) I like it strong with only a drop of milk!

So now that Nick and I are finally happy tea drinkers the other question is.....

When you have an argument and go to make a hot drink, even if you are not talking to your partner do you still make them a drink?

Sunday, 17 April 2011

How did you cope?

A sensitive issue that not many people like to talk about but I hope that this post might help some people or help me to understand as I had never even thought about this until it unfortunately happened to a number of my friends when they were a few days away from their due date or just after they given birth - they lost a close relative.

Since writing this post @AlliMarshall contacted me and said that since reading this post she was now ready to write a post about sadly losing her mum when she was 7 months pregnant. I have just read her incredible post and I am so grateful that she is happy for me to share it with you too.

I just wondered how you cope with all the emotions as you must be on an emotional rollercoaster, so sad about the loss but excited and happy about the birth of your baby. Would you feel guilty for feeling happy when you are sad? Are you angry? Do you find time to grieve? Did it affect the bond you had with your baby? I would be very grateful if you could share your stories if they aren't too painful for you to do so.

I remember losing a very close friend who was like a granddad to me, Tillie had just turned one and he died a few days after her first birthday, I called him My Roy. He was he nicest person you could ever meet, I thought the world of him, he had been poorly with cancer and towards the end we knew there was nothing that could be done. I was absolutely gutted, I saw him every day, all I wrote about in my baby record book was about how excited I was to show My Roy Tillie when she was born, he was the first person I took her to see when we got home, he lived a few doors away from the pub and I looked out for him and his wonderful wife every day even if it was just a wave it cheered us all up. I took his death really badly, I remember as upset as I was I had a little ray of sunshine who cheered me up every time I felt down, Tillie was there to put a smile on all of our faces. I remember sobbing at the funeral but seeing her beautiful happy smiling face without a care in the world seemed to make things a whole lot more bearable. Plus I have built up a wonderful friendship with My Roy's son and daughter in law, we love to sit and chat about the good times and happy times. It has helped me a lot to be in close contact with his lovely family, we got each other through some really tough times and can now sit and giggle at funny stories and happy memories. It is almost as if I have gained another family and I know that is just how My Roy would have wanted it to be.

My nan died last Friday, she was such a happy lady and lived to be 90, she was very funny and a character that will be sadly missed, unfortunately she had dementia and didn't really know who I was and hadn't done for a few years but my mum did everything for her and loved every second, my nan was completely dependent on my mum. But even as sad as my mum is, having Tillie around makes her laugh so much, a child seems to brighten up the darkest moments and I think that is so precious.

Thank you for reading, I just hope that maybe we can share stories that might help others going through a tough time.

Do you have enough time for your partner?

Has having a baby affected your relationship?

I remember just being desperate to see Nick holding our baby for the first time. Nick and I have been inseparable since the day we met, I was very clingy and always needed cuddles, I remember sobbing nonstop when he was going away for one night (how sad is that!) I was terrified of something bad happening to him and knew I would not be able to have my afternoon nap because I always slept on him! (This was way before we had Tillie). We prefer to go out together than we do separately we just enjoy each other’s company. We do bicker too but nothing that a hug won't sort out.

When Tillie arrived I went from being a really needy girlfriend who had to have cuddles all of the time, to not having time for cuddles and not even realising! When we were alone all I wanted to do was sleep as Tillie has never slept well bless her but I never really gave much consideration to Nick who was busy working all hours in the pub and I was enjoying every second being a mummy.

We were both tired and we were snapping more at each other, things were said and I know other couples say the same things as we have done, he would say things like "it's alright for you I’m working all the time whilst you're upstairs with Tillie". He was right, he was working all of the time so I could stay with Tillie he knew I was just loving every second and was happy that I was happy and more importantly that Tillie was happy. I was trying to be as considerate as I possibly could be and not making him get up in the night like a lot of my friends shared the night feeds with their partner, I did everything for Tillie and he took over all my roles in the pub. I still feel guilty for not being able to help out more in the pub when I know I am needed but due to Tillie tots being incredibly clingy this has made things hard because apart from Nick or my mum Tillie will not go to anyone else but Nick and Mum are running the pub so we are always one person down. My family are wonderful and so supportive and it would break my heart if Tillie had to go to a nursery or child-minders I just love being a mummy and that is my number one priority. I am very lucky indeed that I can be a SAHM but also do some work when she is in bed.

Nick is so supportive and incredibly laid back, he does everything he can to make my life easier, he would work 24 hours a day if it meant that I was happy. He really is a wonderful boyfriend and daddy. But it is easy to let the tiredness and snapping take over and I don't know about you but I found that I was telling him all of the time what he was doing wrong with Tillie and saying "don't hold her like that, don't do that" etc.... I was becoming a complete dragon! Some days I find myself still getting wound up over silly things but can quickly snap out of it now.

We started going out for meals together on a Tuesday evening on our night off a couple of months after Tillie was born, we only went two miles away and found the first couple of times extremely bizarre, it was hard to find things to talk about as we see each other pretty much 24/7 but it was nice going out as a couple even if it was just for an hour, plus we are at an advantage that if we decide on a Saturday night to go to the pub for a drink, all we have to do is walk downstairs to our 'front room' and take the baby video monitor downstairs with us and have a chat with friends in the pub. Which I often find to be an effort but I realised that if we want to keep that special bond we have it's all about give and take and I often enjoy going out when I get there, it is just the thought of getting ready (even if it is just downstairs!)

I realised that I had to start talking to Nick more about Tillie and the things I was doing with her and encouraging him more to play with her and making him join in more, as even though he has always been a wonderful Dad I found he was often very nervous of her until she got to be about 10 months old, he was never sure of what to do with her or play with her if that makes sense and with her breathing issues and allergies it was hard not to be wary.

It almost sounds as if we were on the verge of breaking up, but this isn't the case at all, we have always been very much in love but the combination of tiredness and snapping I suppose in a bizarre way has made us stronger, with Tillie having a few problems since birth we have had quite a lot of worries as well as trying to run a business together and live together so after four years of being with each other 24/7 and still enjoying each other’s company as well as being able to laugh and want to go out together i think we are doing pretty well.

I get really shocked by some men's attitudes towards their partner and children especially the ones that use our pub, some of them don't give their partner a second thought and are very selfish they go out working all day then spend all weekend in the pub whilst their partner is at home, I really am incredibly lucky to have such a considerate partner who honestly puts me and Tillie first, he would never do anything to purposely upset me.

Now they are like two peas in a pod, they look the same, they act the same, they have a beautiful bond and this makes me incredible proud and I get so much pleasure out of watching her shout for her daddy and her face light up when she sees him. She drags him everywhere and he just loves this stage they have so much fun together. It also takes a little bit of pressure off me as up until January 2011 she would still cry if he even carried her down the stairs to the car, she was that clingy to me.

We laugh so much every day at Tillie it is nice to have family time and also that time together as a couple, we are looking forward to getting married in May 2012, we have lots of cuddles again and he is my pillow in an afternoon so I get a good afternoon nap when Tillie does and Nick gets to watch sport on the TV so we are all happy!
We have started swapping roles now and some shifts I work in the pub in the day time so Nick can play with Tillie. I guess it is just finding the right balance.

Did you change after you had your baby? Did it bring you closer together? Did your relationship break down? How did you manage to overcome the bickering?

Monday, 11 April 2011

Sleepless nights

Ok so we have all been there, some more than others but how has it affected you?

I remember people saying "oooh you just wait, make the most of your sleep as you won't be sleeping for a while" which is true and I can honestly say I have not had more than 4 hours solid sleep since Tillie was born and she is now 18 months old. You might not believe me but it really does not bother me.

I have listened to a number of mums moaning that their child kept them awake or they are annoyed at the fact that their baby who has slept through from being a few weeks old has suddenly started waking up in the night, they seem genuinely angry about this. (Probably through tiredness and it can make people say silly things but some people become almost obsessed about it and seem really angry)

I use social networking sites and have been really shocked by some status updates that I have seen, not once ever have I put that I was cross because Tillie wasn't sleeping through. I might have put that I was sat watching 'In the Night Garden' at 3am but I wasn't angry or annoyed, I just accepted it as part of being a mother and she is my baby girl and as long as she is happy then so am I.
The thoughts that some people have wouldn't even enter my head and if they did I certainly wouldn't tell other people about them!

I have never been someone who has needed a lot of sleep, I am fine at getting up early and even if Tillie has slept well then I would still get up in the night a few times just to check that she is ok.

Because of the hours that Nick works in the pub and the fact that when he is asleep NOTHING will wake him, he genuinely doesn't hear anything unless you physically shake him, he has never got up to feed Tillie in the night. This isn't a problem for us and occasionally when he has mentioned that he is tired, then realised that I have been up at least 5 times in the night then was up from 5am he soon stopped moaning. I think he has given me probably 3 lay ins since Tillie was born, but I love getting up with her in a morning, there is nothing better than morning cuddles so I can't stay in bed and sleep i am too busy listening to her giggling and have to get up and see what she is doing.

As I've mentioned Tillie is 18 months now, up until Christmas most nights she would wake up every hour in the night, some nights it would only be a couple of times but she would always wake up around 4.30 - 5am. Now some nights she can sleep through, and I always make sure that she is in bed for 7PM so I have time to either work or relax as I think it is important to still have your own time. I am very strict when it comes to bedtime; I have blogged about that in a previous post.

Don't get me wrong some days have been hard and I often needed an afternoon nap with Tillie to keep me going until bedtime. It is when people say "how do you do it I couldn't" - even the Doctor told me that I needed to start sleeping as he had no idea how my body was still functioning as my iron levels were extremely low. He told me that when I was ready there were steps they could advise me on how to get Tillie to sleep through.
I told him that I wasn't interested, I am happy and so is Tillie. As Tillie's laryngomalacia slowly improved I became stronger and I didn't rush through every time she made a noise. (If you haven't read the blog Tillie was born with a floppy larynx which made me a paranoid mum and if she cried it made her breathing very loud and she choked more).

Some people will completely disagree with me and say that children should sleep through the night and should be made to cry until they do I know parents who have done this and it has worked but I also know for a fact some children just don't sleep or can't sleep, some parents have tried everything! Believe me if Tillie slept particularly well one night I even tried the next day giving her the same food, even wearing the same pyjama's in the hope that it might help her to sleep better, but it doesn’t last! I even got to the stage where if she had slept through (one of five times hehe, or even if she just woke up once I daren't tell anyone that she slept well in case I cursed it!).

It is not the fact that I want to sleep all night long, I actually don't think I would be able to do it now.

In my post about Bedtime routines, I mentioned that Tillie has always gone down to bed beautifully, this changed when an emergency vehicle went past a couple of weeks ago which really unsettled her for a few nights and I was at risk of completely getting her out of the wonderful bedtime routine that we have always had - however after a few nights of her moaning she is going down absolutely fine again.

She is so good at taking herself off to sleep to the point where she can get up in the middle of the night crying if she hasn't seen her daddy much in the day time, she might wake up sobbing, come through into our room, go absolutely hyper kissing us both, then after a couple of minutes I say "Tillie say night night to Daddy it is time for bed again" and she will say "night night Daddy" and go straight back to sleep in her cot no tears at all. She really is a little star so that is why I don't mind getting up to her in the night it is not as if I am up for long at all, it might be only for 10 minutes whilst she has a quick drink then goes straight back to sleep.

I am lucky that I don't have to get up to work, things might be very different, but it does make things tricky trying to balance working in the pub as if we have an event on or I am needed at night time, chances are I am not much use as Tillie frequently wakes and I am dashing upstairs often in the middle of serving someone. It also puts us off going for a night out as I am worried that Tillie will wake if we are out, not that she would worry being with my mum as she adores her, but the fact I wouldn't be comfortable knowing that Tillie would be awake in the night, I don't think it is fair even though my mum wouldn't mind at all.

Do you need your sleep? Does it really bug you when your child doesn't sleep? Are you like me and genuinely don't mind? Have you tried everything to get your child to sleep through?

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Where do I know you from?

We have all been there when we see someone but cannot put a face to the name or even work out how we know them.

I remember being stood near the front of a Robbie William's concert and a guy walked in front of me and I said "oh hello are you ok fancy seeing you here?" I turned and told my friend that it was a guy from our village, I thought she looked a little bit shocked as it was in fact David Seaman! I was slightly embarrassed.

Anyway me and my friend went on a girly holiday to Paris, It was the end of January it was freezing we were completely wrapped up in big coats, no flesh on show as that isn't our style. As soon as we arrived men were approaching me on the street and trying to talk to me, I had no idea what they were saying but "bisous" kept coming up. One gentleman was extrememly shocked when he realised we were English and he said to me "you very beautiful girl please let me take you for drink I think you great" Obviously being 20 we thought this was highly amusing and declined politely but was very confused at the amount of attention I was receiving.

We checked in to our hotel, there was a young guy on the reception desk, his eyes lit up when we walked in, I thought it was because maybe they weren't used to seeing many redheads. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong it was one of those really funny holidays, falling over at in appropriate moments, zip breaking on bags and contents spilling everywhere, couldn't unlock hotel room door etc....

The guy on reception told us about a lovely little wine bar so we went that evening and he turned up, he had a big grin on his face as we were getting so many looks!

The next day we went to see the sights of this wonderful city, I have been there before, I did mention that I had received looks the previous time but nothing compared to the attention I was receiving this time!
If we went to eat in a restaurant people would be taking photographs of us through the window, and staring and whispering.

We wanted to go and visit the Eiffel tower, just as we were on our way we were walking very closely behind a group of guys who turned out to be a Bulgarian Ski team. Very friendly guys full of fun and we asked them if I looked like someone famous but they just laughed and said no.

We were (still are) really naive and had no idea the Moulin Rouge was in the red light area of Paris, people had recommended a museum to us and said it was really funny and worth a look round, so we had a peek inside it turned out to be the sex museum!!! Well there were willies of all different shapes and sizes, toys etc, and some very old fashioned 'porn' on tiny TV's, we laughed all the way round, UNTIL i looked over at a big picture on the wall of this woman who had long curly redhair like mine! You couldn't see her face but i looked and joked that she looked like me! Then it all clicked!! I was the spitting image of a french porn star!!!

As we left we walked past one theatre and a man was outside and he asked me and my friend if we were interested in taking part in a sex show! ER NOOO we were horrified!

We wanted to get out of that area ASAP and hunted for the nearest Metro, as we were walking to the station, a man approached me and tried to kiss me, we pushed him away and ran. It was quite scary but that was the only one that pushed his luck! Please do not think we were dressed to look like we were asking for trouble, like I said it was freezing cold and we were completley wrapped up head to toe.

I asked the guy behind the reception desk if I reminded him of a celebrity and he went bright red and said no but had a really cheeky grin!

It all made sense why women frowned or tutted at me and men got dragged along as they walked past me!

Of course all my friends found this highly amusing when we got home and word very quickly spread! Even the company I was working for at the time heard about it and the men were all searching for a photo!

Let's just say I am not going back in a hurry!

Friday, 8 April 2011

From an outsiders point of view

We were in our local town centre; there is a new retail park where there are a few water features. The parking is reasonable and you can buy pretty much get everything you need which makes life so much easier! There is even a couple of coffee bars which serve yummy cakes so we often sneak in there when tots is asleep (due to her being allergic to egg, we can only eat cake when she is asleep otherwise she cannot understand why she isn't allowed any and I would never let her watch me eating it bless her)

Tillie had been asleep and we managed to sneak a coffee and cake in before she woke up, the coffee bar we were in was right opposite the water feature, there is a wall around for people to sit on and the feature is like a few water sprinklers which go on and off. When tots woke up I got her out of the pushchair ad let her have a run around, she was giggling and I was swinging her as I normally do, I then let her walk along the wall and she sat herself down and I was singing a song to her and she was dancing, just things I never even give a second thought to. I saw a couple looking at us, then then approached me and said "We have to tell you that you are the first mother that we have seen since we have been in England that genuinely loves being a mother, we have so far seen people screaming, swearing and shouting at their children, it is not good, we are pleased to see a young woman playing and giving their child attention, thank you" they walked off.

I couldn't take it as a compliment, of course I was happy that people can see how much I love Tille but I was far more shocked and sadden by this, I remember seeing a woman in a high street shoe shop when I was taking Tillie for her first shoes, there was a girl who was about 6 years old, on the wall was a ticket machine where you pull a numbered ticket to join the queue, this girl ran over and started pulling the tickets out. To me I thought there was no way I would have let me child do that in the first place, but her mother's reaction was "get here now you little s**t pack it in you're doing my head in I will sort you out when you get home" she then swiped this little girl across her bum.

I was horrified, I stood there in complete shock and disbelief, I would have said something but didn't want to cause a scene and thought that the sales woman would already be in a very awkward situation as it was, I wouldn't have been comfortable serving this woman.

I really get so upset hearing people in the street "OI get 'ere now you're doing my head in, get ere or I’m gonna smack you"

If people are talking like this in front of people then I really dread to think how they talk to their child in their own home. Is this becoming 'the norm' is this almost acceptable in todays society? I really struggle to deal with this.

I have seen many people who take their children out and just ignore them, this is partly why I do not go to groups as I have been to a couple and cannot get over how mums/child-minders just see it as an excuse to let their kids run wild whilst they have a good chat. Then they are the first to say something if they child hurt themself.

I am very proud to say that I enjoy being a mum and still get shocked when people's response when I say I do not want any more children is "why when you love it so much?" Just because I love being a mum doesn't mean I need to have lots of children, We are quite happy just with Tillie.

Do you react when you hear parents shouting at their children? What do you do if you see someone smacking theirs? What is going on with our society isn't it sad that this is British mother's are being portrayed?